Your brother rips a conveyor-belt (see also ‘Jake Brake’) of a fart off an old hardwood pew and as the entire congregation turns to look (and simultaneously thanking their lucky stars it wasn’t their child splitting oak) you burst, roaring with laughter. His face is red, he holds his breath ready to explode. Cheekbones bulge. You give him a loving shoulder nudge. Trying desperately to hold back he involuntarily exhales a 10% chuckle, ‘Brrt.’ Futile are his attempts and he boisterously joins in the guffaw. Dad no longer comes to mass so Mom is left to her devices and immediately marches you both out to the parking lot.
Stomp. Through the double glass doors and to the tarmac. Grasping your upper arms tightly, Mom hastily spins you both around like gyroscopes on street sneakers. She wants to be angry, to scold and admonish. She drops down to eye level and all she can muster are loving hugs and a laugh of her own. ‘Let’s go get ice-cream’ she says; you two are too funny.
So it is. This is how class clowns and comedians are born and emboldened. You break from social norms and someone you trust and admire tells you ‘It’s ok [Michael].’ Be who you are. You don’t have to be uptight to be serious, respected, or successful. Laugh at all things funny; express yourself; make a mockery of life while you still have breathe in your lungs and bounce in your step.
My own son loves farts… when they’re someone else’s. My daughter, on the other hand, is the one who really loves the act of farting. Furthermore, she’s damn good at it. Neigh, she’s great at it [:)! ‘Toot Toot’ we chant and she slaps me a double high five. ‘Great Toot,’ I reinforce, knowing perfectly well what I’m doing.
I can nearly hear some reader’s thoughts: ‘But they’re so gross.’ Sure, sometimes farts are gross: Like if you’re at the dinner table (right Grandma), or when you accidentally Shart (Google it) in your underwear (which I would argue is a classification in its own right). In those scenarios, then farts are ‘gross.’ On the whole though, the s'more farting (yes, 'you're killing me Smalls') the funnier. Dog farts, Grandpa farts, Teacher farts, Boss farts, Buddy farts, and Brother farts, all funny as hell.
Furthermore, according to WebMD.com the average person farts somewhere between 10-20 times per day, every day. For those of us not uneasy or easily embarrassed about glute sports, that’s a lot of free laughs. So only avoid dairy, lentils, beans, hummus, sweets, pop, and gum if you want to have less fun. Seriously though, there are other reasons than being a prude not to hold back derriere debris. In fact, the volatile gasses building up in your gut will, at all costs, make their way out of your system one way or another.
According to Gastroenterologists (https://www.augusta.edu/mcg/medicine/gastro/rao.php) when gasses in your stomach are not expelled (farted out, aka: bottom burp, tuchus trot, bubble gut, good push), they build up and are absorbed through the intestines. When this occurs, they enter the bloodstream only to be exhaled through your lungs! Your respiratory system consists of your lungs which are connected to your trachea; and your trachea which is of course connected to your kiss hole (aka mouth).
Well documented in Sloths (they’re the only mammal that doesn’t/can’t fart). Yes, holding in farts can mean really F-ing bad, stinky and embarrassing breath. And if there’s one thing worse than kissing an ashtray, its going lip to lip with someone with Sloth breathe.
In the next decade I predict we’ll start reading in print and seeing on the big screen more farting incorporated into not just blogs and articles, but literature and cinema as well (no longer just in comedies). Art mimics Life and life is full of bodily functions. Look, I’m not saying that the next romance novel you read or the next version of 50 shades of Grey will have a toilet scene in it. What I’m saying is farting, its prolific in life. More common in fact than most emotions, daily chores, or activities. They’re simple, funny, and an escape from whatever it is that’s preoccupying your thoughts of future goals and of past regrets.
Farts firmly plant you in the Now. So the next time you feel a fart (even after typing the word ‘fart,’ now some 23 times it’s still slightly uncomfortable and just as damn funny) coming on, just remember that that little gas bubble is a friendly reminder that your Success in life “[depends] on your ability to pay attention to the present” – Eckhart Tolle.
Into the wild and HangryOutdoors,
Article written by Mike (Fart-smith) Hiller
